Darkness Before The Light
by DiTab1
Summary: One Shot.  Set during Season 7 Ep 2.  Hello Cruel World.  The things that go through Dean's mind during a pivotal moment in the show.  Won't say more due to spoilers! No slash  unless you look really, really hard .  R&R appreciated!


**Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Wish I did... but I don't...**

**A/N: WARNING! Spoilers for S7 Ep1/2. This is a moment in time during S7-2. If you have seen the episode it needs no other explanation. If you haven't... what are you waiting for? :) No slash intended but if you squint real hard you might find some...**

It was nothing special... it didn't move or talk. It wasn't the subject of great poetry or satire. It wasn't even that interesting to look at. As far as inanimate objects go there were much more exciting things in the word. But, to Dean Winchester, it had once been the symbol of everything good in the world. It had stood for honor and truth... innocence and friendship... until that friendship had been betrayed... And now, standing on the banks of the lake, holding its sopping wet remains, it meant the end of his world as he knew it... as he had come to expect it to be... and he could feel that world crashing down around him.

This couldn't really be happening. He couldn't really be gone. Not now. Not after everything they had been through. It had to be some sick joke. He'd thought that they had lost him once already today. He'd been prepared then. He'd known it was a possibility. Releasing all of those souls back into purgatory in such a weakened state was a huge risk but they had both known there was no other way.

Then, as he fought to accept the inevitable, as he stared down at the lifeless body of what had come to be one of the most important people in his life, something had stepped in and brought him back... again. It wasn't the first time. He'd come to think of Cas like a cat. The angel had to have nine lives. Hadn't he proven over and over that he was indestructible?

When he had sat up, taking that first breath, Dean had felt his heart stop. For one split second he had allowed himself to begin to grieve and then, in the blink of an eye, he was back. As quickly as it had threatened to take him over, he had pushed that grief back down, deep inside, where no one ever got to go. What replaced it was a strange mixture of relief and anger.

He was relieved to see Cas breathing, talking, being himself. The first words out of his mouth had convinced Dean that this was indeed Cas. There was no trace left of the God that he had become. All that was left was Cas. His Cas. And when he had turned those familiar blue eyes on Dean he could see the pain and longing in them. Pain at the knowledge of what he had done and longing for forgiveness from the only person who had ever really mattered to him.

But, the adrenaline of the last few moments was still coursing through him, fueling his anger. At that moment there was a part of him that hated the angel. Hated the power he held over him. The ability to make him feel things that he never wanted to feel again. He'd had enough. He'd opened up to Cas. He'd taken him into his heart, into his family and he'd been betrayed. Betrayal he could forgive but what had been done to Sammy... he wasn't sure if that could ever be forgiven.

His mind had screamed at him to turn away. Leave the angel there to clean up his own mess. Not worth the risk... why set yourself up for another fall? If he'd betrayed him once then it was sure to happen again. But, his heart screamed out something entirely different. His heart wanted nothing more than to open his arms to his friend, the same friend that they had fought beside, the same friend that had saved him from himself more times than he could count. His heart read the truth and pain in those blue eyes and knew that this was one mistake the angel would never make again.

Not ready to completely accept him back and yet, unwilling to turn his back and walk away, Dean did the only thing he could. He settled on the middle ground. He would guard his heart, guard his brother, hope that there was some way they could repair the tatters of this friendship. He owed too much to Cas not to give him the chance. He had reached out a hand, helping the angel to his feet. It was only then, once he had made his decision, once he had allowed that small crack to open back into his heart, that the bottom had fallen out.

He'd watched helplessly as the leviathan re-took control of Castiel. They were too strong. Too strong for Cas to hold them back and too strong for Dean to fight. Everything had happened so quickly. Most of it was still a blur. He'd felt the impact when he'd been thrown into the wall. He'd panicked at the sight of Bobby's still body. He'd seen the effect the leviathan was having on Cas... the way his body (he'd long ago stopped thinking of it as a vessel) was degrading rapidly.

As they had run after Cas, desperate to help him in some way, he could hear Death's words echoing in his head. He could tell by the speed with which the changes had been taking effect that Cas didn't have long before the sheer force of the leviathan caused him to explode. He'd had to stand by and watch that happen once before and he would be damned if he would let it happen again.

But they had been too late. It was the story of his life really. It seemed he was always too late when it really mattered. He'd been too late to save Sammy, to late to stop Dad and now, he was too late to save Cas. They stood in stunned silence as the water churned violently into a black whirlpool. He could feel the release of power as the leviathan rushed out into the lake.

Standing there, staring out at the place where he had last seen his friend, Dean caught sight of a flash of beige material floating in the water. For a brief second he allowed himself to believe that it would all be ok. He reached for the coat, intending to drag his friend from the water, only to find it empty. There was nothing left of Cas but this coat, stained with blood that even the lake water hadn't been able to remove.

He stood a moment longer allowing his eyes to scan the lake for some sign of life. All the while he was slowly, carefully folding that coat in his arms, not even consciously aware of what he was doing. He could feel the first sting of the tears that were building in his eyes. He knew if he let those tears fall they would drown any hope he had left of Cas being alive. They would be the end of him. Acceptance would mean the walls would fall, he couldn't afford for that to happen. Not now. Sammy needed him.

Feeling the tangible reminder of his friend in his arms strengthened him. Cas had survived worse. There was no way he'd used up all of his nine lives quite yet. He'd just hold onto the coat for now. It was a part of Cas and he knew the angel would want it when he returned. He would return...

Keeping this thought foremost in his mind he turned to Bobby and his brother, "Ok. So he's gone..."


End file.
